The Psychology of Feelings and Emotions

    Great lovers of love run towards what everybody else is running away from. For heart felt people every risk is a challenge, every pain, an opportunity to grow. The heart embraces all sides of life, the positive and the negative, peace and conflict, happiness and suffering. Our inner most beings do not avoid any of the experiences of life because heart centered people tend to stay away from making judgments between right and wrong, good or bad.  

It is impossible for the true heart to separate from anything
 because it is one with its own experiences.

       Emotions and feelings are the most powerful forces we experience inside of us. Under the power of spontaneous feelings and emotions human beings can perform the most heroic acts or do the most violent things.  Civilization itself can be defined as the attempt at the intelligent channeling of human emotional power. Actually history is a record of mans constant quest for control, for it has always been known, since the earliest days of tribal life, that the inner world of even one individual can wreck havoc on any totally controlled or harmonious social situation. As such groups have chosen a wide range of behaviors and approaches to this problem. The communists with their crude kind of consciousness, related to other human beings by trying to dominate and brutally crush them. The first laws and proclamations of civilization were attempts to subdue and domesticate the emotional life of early man. Thus early religion, the Ten Commandments, and the laws of Moses for were attempts to control man from the outside the emotions that surged to freely on the inside. Societies attempted to control via rules and social/spiritual guidelines. Conformity and self-control are paramount for the Japanese who were ruthless with members of the group that got out of line. They simply banished them knowing that meant almost certain death because no other group would take an outcast in.

     It could be said that our feelings and emotions are fuel that propel and motivate us and the mind is the pilot that is there to help steer or help us refine, discern, penetrate, and challenge our feelings and emotions as they occur. The mind can help us decide what the feelings and emotions mean and how they should best be expressed.

       How we approach and manage the inner universe of feelings and emotions is enormously important. As we shall see there are great differences between feelings and emotions and there are great differences in approaches to emotional management and control. And we shall see that the moment we try to control a feeling (as opposed to an emotion) we turn the feeling into an emotion that creates more problems, stress, and inner conflict for us to deal with. Misguided drives for total control have stifled the heart with its passions as well as its super intelligent guidance system. Mark Fisher wrote me about this saying “I fail to understand how you can "always" control what goes on in the inside. Emotions or feelings are not something you can turn on and off with the flick of a switch. Our universe, internally and externally is one of constant change. I feel we can influence these changes, but not control them. By the act of observing the observer changes what is being observed.”  

      There are gray areas between what constitutes emotions and how emotions contrast with heart felt feelings. The easiest way to differentiate feelings from emotions is that feelings are spontaneous emanations that radiate out from our deeper being and pass over and through our conscious sense of self. They pass through us as a wave washes over a beach, they rise and fall and are gone. Pure feelings are an expression of what is happening now in the present moment of our consciousness. They are something that we both feel consciously and express without shame or inhibition. A key aspect of feelings is that they get expressed at the time when the feeling is actually happening. The heart is that aspect of self that lives in the eternal present. It is always now for the heart but what Daniel Goleman calls the “emotional mind” can move both forward and backward in time. When a lovesick romantic lover is expecting their love object to arrive at the end of the week this emotional mind moves forward to the anticipated event. Likewise when love is lost the emotional mind can move backward to memories of good times gone and suffer an agony that so many songs on the radio have lamented about.

       Emotions are like stuck feelings. We could say in an odd kind of way that emotions are negative feelings or dammed up or inhibited feelings. The usage of the word negative here is dangerous and some people do divide and judge the emotional world into positive and negative judging all the negative as toxic and dangerous to the health. Anger is seen this way but as we shall see in the chapter on anger this is a mistake. Anger can be as much a pure feeling as a toxic emotion. When we say that emotions are a negative manifestation of heart felt feelings we are meaning that they get expressed from a repressed framework, which means they are not coming out, when felt. The repression of feelings creates emotion.

       The Oxford English Dictionary defines emotion as “any agitation or disturbance of mind, feeling, passion; any vehement or excited mental state.” Daniel Goleman clarified this with “I take emotion to refer to a feeling and its distinctive thoughts.” Goleman is mixing feelings and thoughts to equal emotion. But he makes no clear delineation between emotions and feelings. Doc Childre, in his new book, The HeartMath Solution, is not very clear either in this regard when he says “emotions are strong feelings.” Diana Richardson in her book, The Love Keys, makes it clearer. “Although the words ‘emotion’ and ‘feeling’ are used interchangeably, this is a common mistake. There is a vast difference between the experience of an emotion and the experience of a feeling. This distinction is important to understand, particularly in the world of love, since it offers insights into the psychology of the self.”

       When we watch a tragic movie and are moved to the point of tears, we do not take time to think about what it is that is moving us, we are just feeling that something welling up in our heart. Or when we hear of a tragedy, like a loved one dying, our hearts yield up those divine tears, the ambrosia fluid of our souls. When we begin to alight our minds onto the feelings and begin to think about what has happened, to associate, to feel bad for ourselves, we can feel the beginnings of intense emotions that commence to fill our awareness. When these emotions, which are combined with mental processes, persist for hours then we see emotions turning into what is usually called moods. Moods are emotional feelings states and in them it becomes less clear what we should do to get out of them.

    Pure feelings have no thought; there is no time for them in their most pure form. They come from a place beyond the thinking mind and they are often the most essential guides that steer our life. Emotions on the other hand are feelings, or something we certainly can feel, but there is a time element being introduced. There is time to think and time to brood and time to think about what we “felt.” The original feeling is past and often the opportunity to express it also is gone. When we respond to things from this more emotional space we begin to mix feelings from the past and present together into some kind of melting pot.

      Feelings, or movements of the heart, can be seen as something we “feel” but do not “think.” As we said they pass like a wave through our emotional center which is far quicker than the rational mind. Paul Ekman, head of the Human Interaction Laboratory at the University of California in San Francisco, shows how the full power of feelings is very brief, lasting seconds rather than minutes, hours or days. Daniel Goleman said, “because it takes the rational mind a moment or two longer to register and respond than it does the emotional mind, the ‘first impulse’ in an emotional situation is the heart’s, not the head’s.”

       Most of the emotions people experience from day to day seem to be generated by their thoughts and reactions to things and as such come in like a tide that never seems to run out. One of the pivotal keys to a life lived in harmony and health comes with the open expression of feelings at the time they are experienced and felt. If we feel anger we can roar if those feelings are intense enough. When sadness or a tragedy strikes, an animal like wail of pain can appropriately expresses the heart breaking feelings. Tears of the melting heart mark our most tragic moments. Yet we inhibit these expressions and thus put ourselves at the mercy of emotional and mental storms that wreck havoc with our inner world.  

      Appropriate expressions relieve the internal pressures on our hearts and the feeling wave passes through and beyond. The showing and outward expression of feelings is very important and is instrumental in transforming our lives into something vastly more positive and powerful. It should be noted in this regard that even love or joy can turn into a negative feeling if it is not expressed. Our feelings turn into downward moving emotions mainly from the inhibition of their expression. And they also get amplified when we begin long processes of mental justification about the feelings.

      To consciously express is to appropriately express. The more conscious we are of our feelings the clearer we can be in their expression. Honest and open expression is often magical in their effects. Our feelings can dissolve instantly leaving us feeling exhilarated. Of course there are never any guarantees in the social arena for non-listening can trigger new more powerful feelings which need to be expressed also. There are some very powerful reasons why many people have learned to stay within the safety of separation and with the hardening of the heart.     

     Through the hardening of the heart and the blocking of our vulnerabilities we risk going into depression. We tend to become more obsessed with negative thoughts whenever we separate from the essence and meaning of our own feelings. Many of our negative thoughts and associated emotions arise when we hold back from fear of expressing what we really are feeling. People who hold back communication of feelings are normally caught up in a heavy psychic envelope that is depressing to the spirit. This holding back is how we separate from others and from that self that we are looking to connect with in HeartHealth. Ignored or unexpressed feelings become emotional monsters.

       I like very much Diana Richardson’s synopsis on this. “Feelings are an expression of what is happening now, consciously in the present moment, and emotions are an unconscious expression from the past, something which has already happened. Feelings are conscious while emotions operate on an unconscious level. Feelings are expressed freshly and innocently, while with emotion the expression is avoided, repressed or delayed and when finally expressed are often overwhelming, destructive or unkind. Emotions like to blame and say “you always…” “it is your fault…”while feelings take responsibility and say “I feel….” “I need….” Feelings strengthen the heart while emotions harden the ego. Feelings bring you closer to the one you love while emotions separate you. It is clear that feelings and emotions have very different qualities, and give us almost opposing experiences of reality. Through our feelings we expand our energy, we feel light and energized. We feel closer to the one we love and supported by life. Through emotions we are contracted and tense, experiencing heaviness, hopelessness and pain. It is exhausting. We feel separated from the world and outcast by the one we love.” 

       A great example of all of this is when we find ourselves in a boring or lifeless conversation. All of us have had the experience of talking to someone who babbles on without listening. In these experiences something drains from us as we stand there lost in our connection with the other person or people participating in the conversation. This is all too common because people tend to talk without much consciousness of what they are feeling or needing themselves. When a person is separate from their own feelings/emotions they have a difficult time with communication and connection with others. So instead of participating in a life enriching energy exchange with another being we find ourselves feeling like a waste bucket for the other persons words.

       In these kinds of experiences there is always the initial signal/feeling that something is wrong or not happening. Some deep need in us for connection and authentic heart to heart or being to being communication goes unmet and we naturally have a feeling about this. But if we stand there and do nothing this feeling turns into emotional turmoil or irritation and then the longer we wait the harder it becomes to step in and do something about the situation. This is why it is recommended that the best time to interrupt and make an authentic communication based on feelings is when we’ve heard one more word more than what we really want to hear. Actually our integrity depends on this for when these feelings arise and we say nothing we separate from our feelings (causing more emotions) and we also separate from the other person, which is measured in the decrease in our ability to deeply listen to what we don’t want or can’t listen to any longer. The idea here is not to be rude but integral and authentic with our own feelings and to help the speaker connect to their own feelings in the moment. This is really a subject for Communication Psychology and will be covered more fully in that work. Professional therapists know this and let their clients know when they have lost contact and are unable to listen or missed out on something that the client said. 

       It is not commonly know that most thoughts represent a trip into the past. In the above situation when we wait for fear of risking or lack of courage to express what we really are feeling that present moment feeling assessment of the situation gets replaced with thoughts that replace of action.  We don’t think in the present we just ‘are’ in the present. The minute we begin to think or reflect on feelings or experience we move out of the present and into the past. It is the same when we switch into something dreaded or unknown in the future. Thus emotions can be seen as movements out of the present. The emotions are reflecting on something that has already happened or we are anticipating in the future. They reflect our separation from the present. And when we are separate from the present we are separate from the people in it and from the actual reality of our environments. That is why emotions are basically a “separate affair.”  And this is why extended emotions are experienced mostly as a heavy, tense, contracted kind of feeling. Joy is experienced in the present.

       We can feel very sad at someone's death but emotions begin when we start to obsess with the loss and this takes time. Goleman identifies these ‘emotional mind’ reactions when he says, “There is also a second kind of emotional reaction, slower than the quick-response, which simmers and brews first in our thoughts before it leads to feelings. This second pathway to triggering emotions is more deliberate, and we are typically quite aware of the thoughts that lead to it. In this kind of emotional reaction there is a more extended appraisal; our thoughts – cognition – play the key role in determining what emotions will be roused.” Emotional reactions can start out with just a few ostensibly innocent thoughts that actually begin to work us up into a frenzy.

       Emotions have to do with our movements away from our hearts. Feelings on the other hand represent movements into our hearts. We feel feelings when we care about something for the nature of the heart is to feel deeply about what it loves or cares about. We feel feelings when we approach the heart after a time of separation, and we feel feelings when our egos, or some outside threat, somehow force us to abandon that feeling of love that is the heart space. The open heart is very sensitive to all the tugs and pulls of the mind.

      Anytime our thoughts or fears create separations the sensitive heart will feel the closing off of its own love flow and this hurts. This we feel as a pain in our chests and this is the feeling of the heart being forced by the mind to close down it's love and natural trust of the universe. We feel feelings when we are in our hearts because that is the nature of the heart. The open heart is vulnerable to the most subtle feelings so sensitive of an ‘organ’ it is. As we see below Albert Einstein suggests that these subtle feelings reach into the intuitive field of consciousness and open us up to a sensitivity and intelligence about life and what is going on around us that is not shared by the intellect’s rational center of thought.

       The closed heart, on the other hand, can be like a dead weight stone, so cold and dead that nothing is really felt anymore, mostly thoughts and vague emotional conflicts, but no deep feelings. Many people tend to think of feelings and emotions as something to be avoided. Moments of joy and happiness are sandwiched between longer periods of suffering or turmoil or some kind of conflict that we are either having with someone else or internally between different parts of our self. The Buddhists offer a middle way that speaks of a more constant state of consciousness that avoids the emotional extremes. HeartHealth is interested more in our sensitivity to our feelings and the open and radiating heart then in the kind of control that leads to repression.

      Einstein brings to the mind – emotion – feeling equation his genius of perception.

“I think with intuition. The basis of true thinking is intuition.
 Indeed, it is not intellect, but intuition which advances humanity.
 Intuition tells a man his purpose in life.
 One never goes wrong following his feelings.
 I don’t mean emotions, I mean feelings,
for feelings and intuition are one.”
                                       Albert Einstein

       Natural intelligence and intuition are heightened when we learn to listen more deeply to our own heart’s simple feeling messages. The more we learn how to listen to our own heart the more we can learn to listen to other hearts and the easier it becomes to listen to life. Since listening is the key to all successful relationships it makes sense to learn how to listen to our own hearts. When we fail to listen to either our selves or others we miss out on the most useful information and guidance systems available to us for all hearts are perfectly networked with each other and are conspiring to message helpful truths to each other. Daniel Goleman says, “The intuitive signals that guide us in these moments come in the form of limbic-driven surges from the viscera that Damasio calls “somatic markers” – literally, gut feelings. The somatic marker is a kind of automatic alarm, typically calling attention to a potential danger from a given course of action. More often than not these markers steer us away from some choice that experience warns us against, though they can also alert us to a golden opportunity.” Einstein added in this regard that “Emotional responses don’t lie; intellectual ones often do.” But he added, “But a combination of the two are like two eyes to view the clear picture.” 

There will come a point in everyone’s life
 where only intuition can make the leap ahead,
 without ever knowing precisely how.
One can never know why,
 but one must accept intuition as a fact.”
                                                         Albert Einstein

      Einstein’s definition that feelings and intuition are one is an example of deep heart intelligence. For him his intuitive perceptions were the most subtle and pure of feelings. This is why intuition, the perceptual ability to know without knowing how you know, can be seen to arise through the heart. The hearts intuition is activated through it’s sense of caring and through its sensitivity and openness to feel. The intuitions of the heart represent the purest and most subtle of feelings and are dependent on relative states of mental and emotional calmness that are prevalent in heart centered people.  

The Winds of Perception that flow unbidden through our beings
are felt and known as intuitions the subtlest messages moving and emanating from hearts that are open and free. 

       The heart feels, the mind thinks. Emotions on the other hand are a mixture and mirror our conflicts; and the greatest conflicts naturally arise between the head and the heart. Or between our hearts and others heads. When we are in conflict we become confused. A large part of emotional suffering comes from our inability to see clearly into the nature of our internal conflicts and the nature or reason we are in conflict with others.  The deeper we go into conflict and intense emotions, that seem irresolvable, the further away we get from our purer ability to feel and perceive with intuition.

  Defining intuition as a feeling is another way of saying
 that this is how we see with our being.

      Intuition, being a feeling, means just that. It is how our beings sense its surroundings. We could call this an inner vision but in essence the being uses the intuition to combine all the senses and the mind together to know the real significance of experiences. The responses we make to life is determined by the understandings we gather from what is happening to or around us. The heart working through intuitive modes of feeling and perception represents a wider kind of consciousness that we can harness to effectively steer our way more skillfully through life.

       The intuition does not function well at all when the heart is closed because our sense of feel is vastly reduced. We are just not sensitive enough to feel these kinds of feelings. And the thousands of thoughts that flood through our awareness each day, and the clouds of emotions that accompany them blot out this level of sensitivity and feeling. A lack of feeling based intuitive awareness affects dramatically the way our life unfolds because without it we do not know that our perception of reality is incomplete.

       Dianna Richardson opens up yet another vista into the nature of feelings. She sees and feels a whole universe of feelings that arise from sensations of energy movements in the body itself. Her path of Tantric love making takes couples on a journey into both increases in consciousness and increases in bodily sensitivity and awareness. And she says, "This brings in a whole new range of internal sensations and feelings such as smoothness, velvet, silkiness, heat and warmth, excitation, tingling, bubbling, lightness, coolness, streaming brilliancy, and dissolution of all physical boundaries.” These feelings were not mentioned in Goleman’s book on Emotional Intelligence yet who would complain about feeling tingling and bubbly.

       Deep in the heart of all beings is a craving for bliss and fulfillment; a desire for ecstatic states of experience that we could simply say is the desire for kinship and oneness. The urge to oneness is fundamental and this is actually at the heart of sexuality and why it touches so deeply on our beings. In the moment of orgasm we can forget our self and release ourselves into bliss of self-forgetfulness. Deep in our egos or separate selves is the sense of the agony of separation, a vague uncomfortable feeling with our self-sense or sense of self-consciousness. We are programmed to return to love, or to a sense of oneness and togetherness, and sexuality, in its most pure form, represents a wide open door to this experience. Tantra and Taoist lovemaking practices both have this return as their goal. They offer a return to the heart. And as such these feelings we find in our bodies are important to heart intelligence. A healthy and loving and profound sexuality can be instrumental in discovering the joys of a happy and light heart. Sexuality, love and intimacy are subjects deeply covered in The Marriage of Souls. 

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